"Darlin'"

I’ve been in the U.K. for nearly a year, and people regularly ask me why I love England so much. I can only answer with innuendos and with subtle references: it’s not a single place or point or the ancient histories and buildings, for it is all of these in various doses; it’s not merely the culture or community or lifestyle; and, it’s not just a romantic notion I’ve carried with me my entire life through English childhood books and multitudinous collection of pictures. There exists an intoxicating atmosphere of observing and partaking of life daily in this place, amongst the people, within the groups, of listening to the intellectual banter over game shows such as University Challenge – at a pub; it is the rhythm of living, the predictable safety of watching friends religiously saving crossword puzzles for each other towards completing them; and, it is the experience of my proud self being humbled into the often frightening realization that I know invariably much less than what I thought I knew. I came here for a study-abroad program that should have ended last May, but the tides of change and the unknown have pulled me mightily back here in every way – I, also unstoppable in every way, fought to remain upon this land. My dream is not solely the “education within the ivory towers,” but that of many simultaneous realizations that include my education as a subset of the larger picture. In my quest for new experiences, I ended up falling in love with one who I now call “love” and “lover.”

I have a fondness for words, and my favorite word here is “darling.” “Darling” is a regularly used word amongst friends (women use this word when addressing either gender, and men often use it to address women friends). I love the terms of endearment here: “How’r ya doin’ love?” or “Y’alright my lovely/darlin’?” There is a charming quality to these words, sentences, and greetings. Maybe these are English terms used less in the United States than in the United Kingdom, but to be referred to as “darlin’” in terms of endearment is a word like none other I have known, and it softens all the rough edges of being in a foreign land, a million miles from all things familiar. Said with the right tenor, pitch, and tone of love, it removes traces of alienation and doubt, and pulls me into this new world without reservation. “Darling” is synonymous with long bygone words such as, “dearest,” “beloved,” and “sweetheart” and when my love addresses me with this singular word of many facets, I feel safe; those fears possessed in the moment melt away in rapid succession, and most importantly, I know I am loved. It is perhaps the smallest great joy I know, for the greater joys contain him, and more to the point, us.

I write with certain naïveté because it is in my nature to try and capture the world in different ways -- apart from the pervasive cynicism and exhaustion of what ought to be, in my estimation, fresh and filled with wonder. My story, which is now a shared story with my love, is a story that unfolds page-by-page, plot-by-plot, and in chapters and subchapters, like a poetic novel filled with conflicts and resolutions that keep the kindling sparked, and the embers glowing, even on the coldest and most tumultuous days and nights. In the instance of the utterance of the word “darlin’”, I know that I am loved and that all will be well without so much as another utterance. Whereas, words like “love” must be tempered, and its placement in discourse carefully chosen whilst maintaining spontaneity because an overused word is an abused one if misplaced or worn down with frequency, “darlin’” is the title I bear with great joy and pride and I can endure its repetitive use.

Regardless of my interpretation of these words, I think that one of the reasons I’m continuously drawn here, at the end of the day, is that I am a romantic at heart, and here, I am free to find that self who sees the world through a prism of possibilities, as opposed to the singular lens that I once wore that I outgrew to a degree. I have a possible future of many futures, and the brightest one is here, now, today, and shared with my love. A thousand worlds ago, I might never have ventured to such a land filled with uncertainties, but today I stand here with hope that the next thousand worlds will be far more adventurous and filled with wonders than the former; for that, I will die a happier person because I will have lived.