Happily, Sadly, Tangentially

It is the day after my birthday and today, I am a bit sad and want to cry a little. I had the most phenomenal birthday ever in my life and it was all a great day, and somewhat undone by my state of inebriation wherein I probably made a fool of myself towards the end. I am left with a big question mark on one side of my state of being, whereas, lengthy dashes and pauses inhabit the other side. This dichotomy may be tugging at my heart ever-so-slightly. It is difficult to discuss, so writing about it seems apropos for the moment.

At noon, I hopped a bus to City Centre and went over to Primark where I bought my first pair of sandals for a very long time. I met Mad Mick (from Tiger Lilly) at 1:00 and we proceeded to board the Hop-On-Hop-Off bus – this time with a live tour guide as opposed to a tape recording. It was once again a stunning day and a little cooler than the last time I went on the bus tour on Tuesday. I was glad to see Mick again because we had lost contact after I completed my semester. I was flattered that someone would go out of his (or even her) way to make my birthday so memorable – something I am unfamiliar with.

After the tour, we walked around a little, took in a smoke, and headed off to the tavern where Bill Clinton “smoked but did not inhale” back in the day before anyone ever knew he would become an American dynastic power. The Turf Tavern was tucked away behind the city wall – a nook and a cranny away from the bustle of the tourists. The tavern had many layers in it and each point of egress folded out into a different outdoor seating area where graduating students – some with their gowns – sat drinking and smoking, and where balloons and glitter filled the areas.

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When I got to the Corridor, I had already had a few beers. Coincidentally, early in the day, I ran into Kat (awesome person from the Corridor) and found out that we both shared a birthday. I told her I’d be at the Corridor later on in the evening. It was wonderful to celebrate our birthdays together, and inebriation was the common denominator between us – much more so than the rest. For once, I was content with this celebrative frame of mind, and enjoying the full-on party of sorts. Julie got me a drink, and I also got a free beer for my birthday. And the piece de resistance was a birthday cake. No apologies, no regrets, save one, which is innocuous enough of a matter, and not mentionable.

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What I don’t understand scares me. I read about or do research on things so that I can understand the matter better when I don’t understand something. However, when “understanding something” involves a relationship wherein “something” is “someone,” I become hopelessly stupid and lost, and lose my sense of perspective. I am not the type of person to ask people what they think about me or to ensnare them with the cliché words or moves that are commonplace with respect to this matter. Better my heart break now than later, I suppose, although there is no indication of impending doom barring my eminent departure. Human nature varies from person to person, is extremely layered and complex, cannot be predicted, and books are insufficient towards answering any question that I might have.

However, I can speak for myself, and right now, I seem to be clueless and suffering from a tinge of “why?” and “how?” and so forth. I count my blessings daily, but the pain cuts deeply and without an explanation. My whole being has been touched by this wonderful and magical place, and by the people who inhabit it, and more to the point, by a particular wondrous aspect – a singularity of sorts. But I am an innocuous sort who will never be able to fathom the depths.